


Mirror

by stelliums



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Nonbinary Jeremy Heere's Squip, Post-Canon, Trans Jeremy Heere
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-19
Updated: 2019-05-19
Packaged: 2020-03-06 10:33:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18849277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stelliums/pseuds/stelliums
Summary: It had only been three years. And oh, how things have changed.





	Mirror

Jeremy Heere.

That was the name written on her passport, her student ID card and every single piece of official paperwork that she had ever been told to sign. And that was fine, she had told herself when she had picked up her enrolment papers, her steps light with joy and hands shaking with delight. She had told herself the same thing at her graduation – that had been two years ago, now. It had been a relief for high school to be finally _over._

She attended a college that specialised in game design, although she had changed her major several times over the year-and-a-half that she had spent there. Level design to systems to just plain old game design; most of the professors knew her well. At that moment she was fully intent on going into animation, but who knew? 

With every professor she had tested out a different name. Whenever they would call out the name “Jeremy?”, she would correct them. It caused confusion, but most didn’t seem to mind calling her by a different name each week. It still felt good, though, to answer “Here.” in response to her name and listen to the giggles at the pun that was her surname.

When she had walked into her first animation class and had heard the professor call her name, she hadn’t cared to correct him.

”Jeremy Heere?”

“Here.”, she had responded. When anyone had given her odd looks, she had shrugged. 

Finding a name, it seemed, was even more difficult than finding a major. Until she had realised that it was optional.

Her hand managed to find the snooze button on her alarm to silence its incessant beeping. Was she late? She couldn't quite remember her new schedule, but something told her that she was late. Or that she would be if she didn't get moving soon. Her body didn't care to listen to the anxiety-fuelled insistences of her mind. Maybe she could manage five more minutes...

_It's Saturday. I'm surprised you even woke up with your alarm- or that you even set one. Is there something you need to get to, Heere?_

The voice didn't sound the same as it had since she had arrived at college. It had no hint of the higher tone that she one day wanted to adopt for herself, and so often practiced in the mirror. The smoothness of it, almost like a purr, made her skin crawl and her throat dry up. She couldn't sound like that if she tried, nor would she want to. But there had been a time, a relatively short time, when that voice in her head had taken over her life. She had done everything possible to please it. 

"Mind leaving me alone? I-I was just starting to get comfy again...", she grumbled, covering her head with a pillow. Now was not the time. There was never a time for this to begin again. If it wasn't in her head, then... what had she done? Did the ceasing of the voice have an expiration date? How had that _not_ been on the terms and conditions?

_Hearing voices again, Jeremy?_

A figure sat on the edge of the bed. Their weight didn't cause a dip in the mattress - they weighed nothing, after all. A closer look would prove the masculine, dark-haired creature to be semi-transparent. An illusion of the mind, a voice in her head. They turned their face to look over her, a good-natured smirk on their face while they nudged her to coax her out of bed.

The newly-awakened SQUIP stretched. They wore a blue, button up shirt, paired with a black cardigan. It was as if their 'supervillain phase' had never occurred. In fact, they and Jeremy appeared closer in age. They stood up and folded their arms expectantly, glaring down at her, _"Now, an update is in order. How long has it been since I've seen that face of yours?"_

"...shit."

 _"That's no way to greet an old friend. I spent whoever-knows-long shut down, no voice, no company, only to be- what?"_ , they paced around, taking in the room. The walls, painted a light shade of blue, were covered in posters; video games, conventions, anime, concerts. Her tastes, apparently, hadn't changed one bit since high school.

Jeremy had stood up and walked through them, opening the curtains. It was warm outside. She smiled at the thought of being able to enjoy the sun with the girls that she had befriended in animation class - oh. That was why she had set an alarm. She still slept shirtless, so it was quick to pull on a yellow tank top and a pair of denim shorts. 

_"Haven't you noticed that that's a-"_

"-girls' shirt? Yeah, I know. Fits better, feels better. Y'know?", she shrugged, passing through them again. She turned over her shoulder and smiled at them, "A lot changes in three years, doesn't it?"

Three years, they mused. Three years from when they had been cast aside, and they had never seen Jeremy so happy. Not even winning over her high-school crush had made her as happy as she looked then, waking up to a new day and putting on a girl's outfit. Something so simple, so... ordinary. There was something in the way that she walked, something more confident, more relaxed. It was admirable that she had been able to upgrade herself without him, against all assumptions.

 _"I'm more aware of how that feels than most. You control_ _this.",_ they explained, gesturing to their slightly flickering form. They had no name, no fixed appearance or voice. No fixed gender. They were a machine, effortlessly mouldable to the needs of the people that they were created to assist. _"If you wanted, I could look like this, or_ this."

Their form flickered and glitched, vanishing for a split second before reappearing with angled, feminine features. They wore a black dress and matching heels. Jeremy gazed at them for a moment, shaking her head. But this new appearance barely lasted a minute - her SQUIP echoed her surprised expression when they reappeared as an exact copy of herself. Same short, messy brown hair, same acne scars, same outfit. 

Her mouth was still agape. They moved their finger under her chin to make her close it again. "Let's try this again.", they instructed, in a perfected version of the voice that Jeremy had practiced for years but had never quite managed, "What's happened since I was gone?"

"...things went back to normal, graduation happened, came out to Christine and Michael, managed to score a place here... anything else you'd like to know? I have a place to get to."

_"So, how did that happen? Any progress with Christine?"_

Right. In their mind, Jeremy thought, the SQUIP was still working from their original objective. To make her popular and get her high school crush to return her feelings. Did they realise how much had changed since then?

She replied, "...kinda. We dated until the summer after graduation. Long distance... wouldn't exactly work out for either of us. But we're still in touch. She was talking about one of her friends in her new college, while we were on call with Michael, and I just... told them. It was easier than I thought."

_"What did you tell them?"_

"That I was a girl. What else could I say? It's the truth. I am a girl, just... not exactly."

The SQUIP's form changed again. They still looked like Jeremy, but their hair was longer and they had a more feminine body shape. _"How would you feel if you looked like this? Does it look like you, or someone else?"_ , they asked.

"I-it... you... look like a cute girl. But not like me. I mean, I would kill to have your voice right now, but everything else just isn't _me_."

They gave him a thin smile at the compliment, _"Hm, I see. Not too feminine. How about-"_

Jeremy interrupted them, her hands placed over their shoulders. When the action had the intended effect, she turned her back to him and threw her hands up in frustration. "Stop, just stop! Can't you believe that I'm happy with myself? Sure, I'm not exactly what you thought I'd be, but did you ever think that that's better? I don't want to change any more than I already have!"

_"...I can tell when I'm not wanted, Jeremy."_

"I- I didn't say that. I could use some vocal training.", she backtracked. They sounded... cold, but upset. Abandoned. Machines couldn't feel pain, could they? "I think you could use a change. This isn't high school me. This is college me, and college me... doesn't need you to walk her through life."

They sat down on the bed so that they were in front of Jeremy. For once in their existence, they didn't position themself above her. Perhaps they did need an adjustment, an upgrade, to accustom themself to the new situation. A situation in which the Jeremy they had known, essentially, no longer existed. _"I get it, I do, but... it must get lonely inside your head."_ , they told him.

Were they trying to beg her to let them stay? Jeremy quirked an eyebrow. If that was their aim, it was a backhanded way of going about it. The SQUIP had reverted back to their original form; same blue shirt, same black cardigan. She hesitated. It wasn't as if she could get her hands on any Mountain Dew Red again, not this quickly. She didn't want to hear them scream again, to hear them cry out her name in her dreams and her nightmares. 

The glitching figure held out their hand. Instead of leaving it there for her to shake, they took both of her hands and compelled her to move closer to him. _"Look at you. The composure, the style, the look in your eyes- Christine must regret ever giving you up... I can barely believe that you're the same person!"_

She was lost for words. When had they ever said anything kind to her before, let alone compliment her. There was always more to improve upon, something that she had done wrong. But there was nothing now - apparently. There they were, _smiling_ at her without malice.

"Who- who are you-?", she stuttered eventually, laughing to herself at how absurd this was, "Who _are_ you?"

Without missing a beat, they responded, "Your SQUIP. Now, go enjoy yourself. I'll be right here when you get back."

They tapped the side of her head, reclining against the pillows on her bed while Jeremy rushed out the door. Three years. A lot could happen in three years - a lot _had_ happened. It was a shame, such a shame, that they hadn't been around to experience it. But things had changed, and things would continue to change. Jeremy- and themself. At least they were no longer silent. They were back where they belonged; in Jeremy's head.


End file.
